take care of yourself

[attitude]

Every time that Faye thought she'd finally learned to accept her pregnancy in full, something came about to prove her wrong. In some ways, it felt like taking regular steps towards some blurred and as of yet uncertain destination. Telling Dean had been the first big step, one that left her feeling exposed and shaky at best, to learn that someone else was much more prepared for the changes to come than she was herself. Recognizing each symptom thereafter had been an almost painful process, one which drew out a sense of lingering paranoia. Were her aches caused by the pregnancy? Was she losing sleep because of anxiety? Was she, could she, had she— an endless myriad that never seemed to solve for itself, because some answers simply couldn't be had no matter how great the effort to root them out.

And that morning, she'd come across yet another problem: the clothes that she'd picked out for herself at the beginning of the month, skin-tight and every bit as capable of exuding confidence as the bright yellow she used to wear, were somehow too small around the waist.

Naturally, Faye knew that the changes had taken place since day one. But in some way, the baby was still a distant notion at the start. Fatigue, she could blame on the mental stress. Nausea, she could blame on poor eating habits. But a thickening of her waist felt somehow undeniable, because Faye Valentine was not one to let herself go to any extent, and her size had remained constant since she woke up in that chamber those few years ago.

Something else was changing, and still Faye felt like she was digging her heel stubbornly against all of it.

For the time being, her solution was to snag a shirt out of the several that Dean sometimes left at her place, before slipping on the loosest pair of jeans she had. Maybe she didn't look like much, but at least it masked the constant thrum of her chest as she took a deep breath, setting out for the common dining room, even if she had the lingering suspicion that her nausea would make it hard to keep anything down.


[ Dated April 20th, this is the post for anyone who knows Faye and wants to hear about baby stuff first-hand from her! ST/LT welcome, no limit, go wild. (Sorry for being slow enough to require backdating.) ]

Comments

[manwithoutfear]

Only when she's close do I catch a whiff of her breath. It's work to not turn away, but I can't manage to stop my nose from folding in on itself, wrinkling.

"I can tell," I mutter, clearing my throat before I reply in more audible tones: "Should you be eating at all?"

[attitude]

It's probably the worst thought to have cross her mind at a moment like this, but Faye can't help but think: now there's going to be proof that she doesn't make a good mother. There's going to be concrete proof, right beside her. They're just kids, Finnick and Annie, just kids at the end of the day— Finnick may share a physical age with Faye, but something about him has always seemed younger somehow, since the first time they met. They're just kids.

But they're going to do a better job of this than she ever can.

"...congratulations," she offers, brow furrowed and caught in the moment. "Assuming the both of you are happy. Seems like you'd be."

[attitude]

There's a slight smile that passes over Faye's lips at Lily's reassurance. Some amount of comfort that comes from knowing that a friend she sees as confident, as capable, would be as uneasy if switched with Faye's shoes. A small sigh slips through her teeth— if only she'd been more careful.

"Dean knows," she confirms. "I took a week to tell him to make sure I wouldn't panic right in front of his eyes, but when he asked me to marry him, that was when I broke down. And told him that I was afraid, basically. I think he's been very careful around me since then."

[victorofthe65th]

Finnick can't quite read that look in her eye, but he offers a somewhat strained smile and shrugs. "We're happy," he says because that isn't at all untrue. In fact, Finnick is fairly sure he's never been happier even if he's still half certain this is all in his head. Even if it has to end sometime, he'll have all this to remember.

"It's just... also kind of terrifying," he admits a moment later, his smile turning more sheepish. "I know next to nothing about raising a kid, you know?" He only really knows how to kill them, but he keeps that comment to himself.

[notfaking_it]

"At least he knows," Lily says. "That's important. I mean, you can't do something like this without being open about the shit that's scaring you, right?" And she's willing to bet Dean is at least a little bit afraid, too. He may be excited and she thinks that's wonderful, but he probably has his own fears. She imagines that everyone must when faced with something as new and daunting as becoming a parent.

"What do you think would help?" she asks. "I had a friend in California who got pregnant halfway through one of our seasons. She had to leave the company and she was terrified, but she started reading everything she could. It seemed to help her a lot."

[attitude]

"But you know you want them," I interject. I don't think I'm being too unkind, but I can hear that there's tension in my voice. Maybe that's the nerves, too. I don't know. Everything's kind of a blur right now, as far as emotions go. "You know that you want them, and you had the choice to take them in. Doesn't matter what was fueling that choice, you still had it at some point. Could have handed them off to someone else."

Leaning back in my chair, I level Neil with a sobered look.

"I'll be honest, Neil, since I... get the feeling you can handle that," I say. I don't know why. Call it a hunch. "I don't know if I have it in me to love a kid. I'll try. But it kind of feels like I'm spending all my effort already on being afraid that someone's going to leave. Or resigning myself to it. Almost everyone I've known, long before I got here, almost everyone left. I don't think a baby's going to be miracle worker there."

[attitude]

The smile took a couple seconds too long. Wasn't natural, wasn't quirky, wasn't easy in the way that so many of Edward's smiles were. Frankly, Faye didn't know full well how to make Edward smile. It was one of those elusive skills that had slipped by her entirely, and most days, she didn't try, because no matter how much she tried to examine it, it seemed that Edward was most happy when Faye was being herself.

And there was such a thing as not reading too far into a good thing.

But this was different. There was something which lingered in the air, probably acknowledged by both inside, but otherwise ignored. "I wanted to tell you, Edward, because I need you to understand that this doesn't change anything," she said. "Us girls still need to stick together. Actually, I might come to need your help even more than I did before."

[attitude]

Way to bolster a girl's confidence. Spotting that wrinkle of his nose, I carefully pull away and walk a few paces off to the side, because really, the last thing I want is to put him through my breath for however long we'll be chatting today. Not for the first time, I wish we had an endless supply of gum laying around.

"I should be trying even harder than usual to eat," I reply, wondering if he'll catch the hint. "But it's a gamble as to what stays down these days."

[attitude]

It's everything that young parenting should be. Finnick looks a bit nervous and unsure, the corners of his smile a bit tighter than they'd otherwise be, but he is smiling, and it isn't forced. Faye stares again, perhaps a touch out of envy, but strangely protective all the same. Seems lately like that impulse turns up whenever she interacts with friends or family of Dean's. What that means in the long run, Faye won't bother to wonder just yet.

"Guess we've got a leg up on you there," Faye says with a small huff. "Dean's been raising his little sister since... well, probably as far back as she can remember. Have you met her yet? Cori?"

[attitude]

"No, I know. There's a reason why I told him, after all," murmurs Faye, distinctly remembering how her thoughts had immediately leaped to Dean after she'd first found out about her pregnancy. Maybe other women would have thought of the baby, but since the very beginning, the person who matters most to Faye in the situation has been Dean. Continues to be Dean. "But I don't want him to be the one to take the brunt of my own fears, you know? He has enough on his mind. And he's... he lost his brother recently, so I'm sure going on about my own fears won't help. They're the same as his. It's..."

She sighs, thinking about what it'd be like to start reading more about the changes in her body, and coming to that gut conclusion that it won't alter a thing. "I don't think I'll make a great mother, sure. But more than that, I just think about what happens when either of us leaves. If it was just me, I'd roll right on ahead. It'd work out. If it was just Dean, he'd probably pick himself up. But throw a kid into the mix, suddenly there are countless ways this can screw up."

[little_moons]

"I didn't know. I wasn't sure. When Mike and Tom disappeared, I... wasn't sure I wanted to keep 'em. I wasn't sure I should. And I know I had a choice, I still... I still felt responsible for 'em. I'm all they've got."

In the end, I would've chosen them, but as guilty as it makes me feel, I won't lie and say that I didn't think about finding someone else to take them.

"It won't be. Anybody who thinks gettin' married or havin' kids here is some kind of guarantee is in fuckin' denial. I wanna be happy for Dean and for you, and I am, but I'm not fuckin' stupid, Faye. I know this isn't like, an ideal situation."

[manwithoutfear]

"Morning sickness?" I guess, my mouth apparently a few steps ahead of my brain. (This isn't all that unusual for me. Foggy was always the one who had to plan an argument. I could always be compelling just going by my gut instinct.) I catch myself short when the implication hits me, however, my cane skidding across the ground as I stop walking.

"Wait, are you...?"

[radical_cowgirl]

Help? What kind of help? The kind where it kept Edward out of the way? Helping by doing things that weren't there. Somewhere she wouldn't get in the way. Somewhere in the background where... it would be like she left. Like Faye was gone and it was just Edward again.

But she couldn't say no-no, because that was mean and Edward didn't want to be mean. Being mean might make it worse and that strange feeling tightened in her chest again. "Edward won't do anything wrong, promise."

[notfaking_it]

"Yeah, there are," Lily agreed, because Faye certainly wasn't wrong about that. There was countless ways this could end badly, but the same could really be said about having a baby in any other situation as well. The island had the added bonus of taking people away and as much as Lily hated it for that, it wasn't all that different from how things had been back home.

People left. They died, they ran away, they made themselves scarce by accident or on purpose. It wasn't exactly the same, but she didn't see that many differences either.

"I think it'll work out," she said, giving Faye a smile. "It might not be perfect, but most things have a way of working out in time. Which is probably the most vague reassurance ever, but..." She trailed off and shrugged.

[attitude]

I manage a grin. No, he's not stupid. Doesn't spend his days hoping for something that the island's never truly going to deliver. Sure, a few people get lucky, they look slated to have decades here without interruption. But are they the majority? God, no. And I've long since given up on beating the odds.

I mean, I'll gamble now and again, sure. But I don't actually expect to win.

"So I guess that brings us back to square one," I decide, leaning heavily against my palm. "You won't have all the answers, but c'mon, Neil. You've still been at this longer than I have. You've known Dean longer than I have. Welcoming any advice right about now."

[attitude]

He stops walking. Way to be dramatic, Murdock. And not that it really matters, but I feel a little better when I set my hands on my hips, almost as though I'm confident, able to let the details slide off my back. (Far from the truth, I'll point out.) I pause, but somehow I feel like the longer the silence stretches on, the more obvious it becomes. And I'm not exactly about to lie. Not about this.

"You could say that I'm that way," I reply, tone wry.

[attitude]

Although it wasn't exactly like her, even though it was a bit of a stretch, Faye reached out then, ruffling Edward's unruly hair with careful fingers and offering a soft smile. Oh, it was unfair. Everything about the entire situation was unfair. But the very least she could do was to make sure that her relationship with Edward was salvaged, and to make sure the girl still had support through her formative years. Once Edward became an adult, well.

Then whether or not she stayed would be entirely up to her.

"In case you haven't noticed, you don't make mistakes half as often as I do," Faye joked. "In a few months, I won't be able to see my own feet. I may need your help making sure I put on the right shoes."

[attitude]

"You're a lot more optimistic than I am," Faye remarked quietly, raising a brow. And in many ways, that had always been true, for as long as Faye had known Lily. There was something about her that couldn't be broken, an ability to push on forward when all the odds were stacked across her; to say that Faye admired that quality would have been an immense understatement.

She feared it as well, of course. Because she'd been that way once, expecting the best of people and anticipating getting to travel out into the world in full. Nothing had worked out in the way that Faye wanted.

"Does this mean I can recruit you for babysitting when the time comes?" she smiled faintly, cheeks still a little pale, but tone sounding more sure. Wallowing wasn't going to help anything, after all.

[manwithoutfear]

I don't understand the impulse to start a family here. I barely understood at home, and my situation was only marginally more stable. (And that dream died years ago, short-lived as it had been.) My first thought (and the one I suspect is on the mark) is that the pregnancy was unplanned.

"You sound thrilled."

[radical_cowgirl]

"Why does Faye wear shoes at all?" It was a safe question, one she could use to not think about what she wasn't thinking about. It was a good question, too, because Edward never wore shoes. She never needed them. She was fine without them.

Or socks. Socks were stranger than shoes. What were they for? Even if you had to wear shoes because of the ground, why would you put socks on in between? It just didn't make sense.

[notfaking_it]

"I'm great with kids," Lily said by way of an answer, grinning over at Faye. "Which is to say, yes, if you need a break, if you need a hand, if you need anything, you can ask me." It was easy enough to offer, she knew, because she wasn't in the same situation. If she had been, she wouldn't be nearly as optimistic or quite so free with offers of her time, mostly because she'd be petrified herself.

"And, just for the record, I'm willing to bet you'll be better at it than you think," she said. Most people were, as it turned out, even if they didn't know what they were doing. Being a parent was the sort of thing a person had to learn on the go. There was no preparing for it, no classes to take that could ever really make someone ready for what happened when they had a baby. "I don't know if you'll be any less freaked out, but I really do think you'll be a good mother."

[victorofthe65th]

"I haven't, no," Finnick replies. "But I've heard a lot about her and seen him with her in passing a few times. She's a cute kid. But see, at least you both have had some practice. I've just been reading a lot of books, but not a single one of them has told me how to stop panicking."

[attitude]

I shoot him a look. Again, I know that he won't see it. Might not even sense it. But really, what good is sarcasm going to do me right now? All it does is remind me of that guy. He'd probably react in the same way. Slight interest wrapped in a glib remark.

"I'm working on it," I tell him, crossing my arms tightly around my chest. Suddenly, I don't feel much like elaborating.

[attitude]

"They protect your feet. You've seen where we travel, you've seen snow, you've seen the desert. A lady's skin just isn't made to protect against all of the elements, and I'm not about to harden my soles through abuse to my feet," she replied, brow furrowing at the thought. No doubt that it struck her how irrelevant of a question it was, but such was Edward's way. One never knew what she'd ask.

"Plus, shoes can give the impression that you're taller. Or help to make the appearance of your calves more pleasant. Call it a point of vanity."

[attitude]

"You may be required to fight Dean for the right to lend a hand," Faye pointed out, although the smile she wore was appreciative, if a bit weary. She knew that Lily meant well. Trusted that Lily did want to offer whatever amount of help that she could. But it was hard for Faye to accept, in that being helped sometimes made her feel a little less strong. Like she needed that support, else she couldn't stand on her own two feet. And that was a feeling that Faye hated almost more than any other. "He's intent on making sure that all of my needs are met, all the time. And no, I don't just mean that way."

She paused before moving on to the more sobering topics, knowing that there was simply no setting her completely at ease. It couldn't happen, and certainly not before the baby was born.

"There's really nothing I've done that shows I'd be a good mother at all," Faye muttered. "Not that I'm going to go out of my way to make the kid's life difficult, but I'm not the most patient woman around."