attitude | take care of yourself

Every time that Faye thought she'd finally learned to accept her pregnancy in full, something came about to prove her wrong. In some ways, it felt like taking regular steps towards some blurred and as of yet uncertain destination. Telling Dean had been the first big step, one that left her feeling exposed and shaky at best, to learn that someone else was much more prepared for the changes to come than she was herself. Recognizing each symptom thereafter had been an almost painful process, one which drew out a sense of lingering paranoia. Were her aches caused by the pregnancy? Was she losing sleep because of anxiety? Was she, could she, had she— an endless myriad that never seemed to solve for itself, because some answers simply couldn't be had no matter how great the effort to root them out.

And that morning, she'd come across yet another problem: the clothes that she'd picked out for herself at the beginning of the month, skin-tight and every bit as capable of exuding confidence as the bright yellow she used to wear, were somehow too small around the waist.

Naturally, Faye knew that the changes had taken place since day one. But in some way, the baby was still a distant notion at the start. Fatigue, she could blame on the mental stress. Nausea, she could blame on poor eating habits. But a thickening of her waist felt somehow undeniable, because Faye Valentine was not one to let herself go to any extent, and her size had remained constant since she woke up in that chamber those few years ago.

Something else was changing, and still Faye felt like she was digging her heel stubbornly against all of it.

For the time being, her solution was to snag a shirt out of the several that Dean sometimes left at her place, before slipping on the loosest pair of jeans she had. Maybe she didn't look like much, but at least it masked the constant thrum of her chest as she took a deep breath, setting out for the common dining room, even if she had the lingering suspicion that her nausea would make it hard to keep anything down.

[ Dated April 20th, this is the post for anyone who knows Faye and wants to hear about baby stuff first-hand from her! ST/LT welcome, no limit, go wild. (Sorry for being slow enough to require backdating.) ]

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The statement struck her as funny, honestly. It had been a very long time indeed since Faye was in a position of being called a good person by just about anyone. Perhaps she was decent enough to her crew, but she'd also been lazy, selfish, prone to putting her needs before anyone else's. If only because that was the way to survive. If someone kept on putting others first, they were for long in the bounty world.

Faye wasn't sure whether or not she liked the change, holistically. But she didn't begrudge it.

"You've only seen my better side, lucky you," she said with a quirk of a grin. "Had you met me out in the skies, I'm not sure you'd be singing that same tune."

"Maybe not. But your baby isn't going to meet you out in the skies either," Lily pointed out, returning the grin. "Look, I'm not saying that you shouldn't be scared or that I don't understand why you are. You should be and I do get it. I'm just saying that there are other people here who think you'll probably do a pretty okay job when it comes down to it." Further to that, she was sure she wasn't the only person who thought as much.

Leaning back in her chair, she looked at Faye with a pointed smile and arched her brow. "I remember a certain person doing her best to keep me safe when she thought there might be a chance that I would be infected," she said. "All you wanted was to make sure I was safe. That might just seem like common sense to you, but a shitty person wouldn't do that. They wouldn't care."

For all of Faye's protests, she wasn't a fool— there got to be a certain point where protests only went around in circles, and this felt like one of them. Sighing softly, she shook her head, not exactly sure how she'd earned the loyalty of so many people. Had she really changed all that much? Was it the way the island anchored her that made her give in to the idea of making friends and solid connections? Without the option to leave, Faye supposed she would never know.

"This is where I'm supposed to smile and stop arguing, isn't it?" she joked lightly, managing a thin smile. No, her worries weren't so easily assuaged, but it wasn't nothing to have someone believe in her as wholly as Lily seemed to. How strange, Faye thought. Most people probably would have considered it much harder to be a bounty hunter, but to Faye, she couldn't help thinking that catching a hundred bounty heads would have been easier than the pregnancy alone.

"I'm very persistent," Lily said simply, smiling in return and although she wouldn't sit here all day and insist to Faye that she could probably do this, she wasn't going to give up that easily either. She knew better than to try and convince her that there was nothing to worry about -- worries were natural, she figured, and she knew she'd have more than a few of her own were she in the same situation.

"This is usually where I'd offer to take you out for a drink, but I guess I'll have to give that a break for a little while," she added with a grin. "We'll have to find another way to distract you for the next year or so, won't we?"

"Ugh," Faye groaned, loudly, petulantly— but in its way, it was better than the quiet resignation she'd been prone to lately. Even griping about her troubles was better than constantly swirling around with anxiety. "Can't drink, can't eat the foods I want, can't fit into the clothes I like, can't gamble without money. Seems like the only thing I've got anymore is sex, and as much as I like you, Lily." She glanced over, shaking her head. "I'm not sure it'd quite compare."

Rubbing her cheek, Faye sighed lightly between her lips, but there was a hint of a smile there that hadn't been present before.

"I guess there's always a good game of poker. And swimming, I hear that I'm still allowed to swim."

"Well, it wouldn't be the same, that's for sure," Lily agreed with a grin, although she didn't say anything more on the subject. "But, hey, I know how to play poker. I'm sure we could find a few more people who know how, too, maybe that'll take your mind off all this."

There had been a casino night, after all, she was sure that meant at least a few people knew how to play poker. Maybe there wasn't much of anything they could play for besides chips, but it would be a distraction and that was really the only thing she was looking to find for Faye at the moment. "We could bet favours and I'm sure you'd be full up on people willing to carry you around the island when you get bigger," she added with a teasing grin.

Faye snorted, imagining the difficulty in pulling together a group that genuinely wanted to play with her. While she'd been pleasant enough on the island, Faye was as Faye was, and she hadn't really gone out of her way to make friends with the majority of the people on the island, many of them far too pleasant for her taste. Faye only felt at home while caught in some type of struggle, it seemed. If nothing else, a battle of the wits.

Still, it was a nice thought.

"Maybe," she conceded. "Maybe that'd be nice. Provided people don't mind deliberately losing to yours truly. Or taking a several month raincheck for any favors I owe."

"Well, I was mostly banking on you beating everyone," Lily answered, her shoulder hitching up as she smiled, on the edge of teasing. "Except for me, every now and then, that is." She wasn't that great of a poker player herself -- she had a terrible poker face, always had -- but she thought it was the sort of game Faye might be good at. Where Lily had trouble putting a cap on most of her emotional responses, she always thought of Faye as much better at handling herself.

"I always end up giving it away when I have a good hand," she admitted with a sigh. "I always get excited and somehow it shows in my face no matter what I do." Being expressive was part of being a dancer, but it didn't help when it came to gambling.

"I've practiced my poker face," Faye replied, the tiniest hint of pride creeping into her voice. It wasn't the type of thing she'd ever pictured herself supporting herself with as a child, but waking up as a blank slate, with hardly anything other than vague impulses to direct one's actions, meant finding pride and confidence and stability through whatever faint means were available. If gambling so happened to be one of them, then that was just the way of life. "Most of my meals were paid for either by catching crooks or counting cards."

She grinned, nudging her foot forward to reveal a thin anklet, round and polished. "Either that, or terrific luck," she added.

If anyone would appreciate her sly ways of sneaking a few dozen woolong from unsuspecting passerby, Faye figured that Lily would be it.

take care of yourself

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