attitude | take care of yourself

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take care of yourself

Every time that Faye thought she'd finally learned to accept her pregnancy in full, something came about to prove her wrong. In some ways, it felt like taking regular steps towards some blurred and as of yet uncertain destination. Telling Dean had been the first big step, one that left her feeling exposed and shaky at best, to learn that someone else was much more prepared for the changes to come than she was herself. Recognizing each symptom thereafter had been an almost painful process, one which drew out a sense of lingering paranoia. Were her aches caused by the pregnancy? Was she losing sleep because of anxiety? Was she, could she, had she— an endless myriad that never seemed to solve for itself, because some answers simply couldn't be had no matter how great the effort to root them out.

And that morning, she'd come across yet another problem: the clothes that she'd picked out for herself at the beginning of the month, skin-tight and every bit as capable of exuding confidence as the bright yellow she used to wear, were somehow too small around the waist.

Naturally, Faye knew that the changes had taken place since day one. But in some way, the baby was still a distant notion at the start. Fatigue, she could blame on the mental stress. Nausea, she could blame on poor eating habits. But a thickening of her waist felt somehow undeniable, because Faye Valentine was not one to let herself go to any extent, and her size had remained constant since she woke up in that chamber those few years ago.

Something else was changing, and still Faye felt like she was digging her heel stubbornly against all of it.

For the time being, her solution was to snag a shirt out of the several that Dean sometimes left at her place, before slipping on the loosest pair of jeans she had. Maybe she didn't look like much, but at least it masked the constant thrum of her chest as she took a deep breath, setting out for the common dining room, even if she had the lingering suspicion that her nausea would make it hard to keep anything down.

[ Dated April 20th, this is the post for anyone who knows Faye and wants to hear about baby stuff first-hand from her! ST/LT welcome, no limit, go wild. (Sorry for being slow enough to require backdating.) ]

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Edward had heard Faye moving around in the other room and her ears perked up. It was about food time and if Faye was up maybe they could go together. However, Edward was still getting used to all the clothing pieces, but soon she had her new regular outfit of cut-offs, chaps, tied-on shirt and big cowboy hat and she ran off.

"Wait, Faye-Faye, Edward wants to go with youuuuuu!"

Lily wasn't impressed with the coffee. There were a lot of things about this change that she could overlook, a lot of things that she'd dealt with. The clothes didn't bother her so much -- she wouldn't have normally gone for Sharon Stone in The Quick and the Dead, but it was working for her, she figured -- and the weather could be dealt with, but she wasn't happy with the coffee. No matter how she tried to brew it, it just didn't taste right.

"Hey," she said when she saw Faye, holding her coffee cup in both hands, as if looking at it could somehow make it better. "I'd offer you coffee, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to inflict this on anyone, especially someone I like."

Carrying a handful of peanuts and sweating profusely, Finnick drops into the chair next to Faye and waves a hand to try and cool himself off. He's been assured by many that the climate of the Island will change back in due time but, as far as he's concerned, due time was several weeks ago. He isn't used to this dry heat at all, isn't used to not being near even a speck of water. It's overbearing.

Not to mention it's completely ruining his wedding plans, making him anxious in a way he hopes isn't too obvious. Though he's sure Annie has her suspicions.

"Tell me again that this won't last forever. I swear, I can't even remember what the ocean smells like anymore," he says with a heavy sigh before flashing a wide smile at Faye. "Peanut?"

"Hey," I say, dropping into the chair next to her, a beer in my hand. The food here's strange. The lack of fruit and boar meat. I still haven't gotten used to it. I haven't gotten used to a lot of things, and the whole damn experience is really threatening to cure me of my whole cowboy fetish, but whatever.

I can't help it. My eyes drop down to her middle, like I'll be able to tell, but she's not wearing her usual skintight bright colors. The baggy t-shirt does a damn good job of disguising whatever might already be showing, so early on.

Faye started, not realizing that Edward was still in the house, and immediately berating herself for the oversight. In all fairness, she'd been distracted to no end lately, every day seeming to have a haze which fell around it, through which it was nearly impossible to carry on as things had been. But Edward was someone who concerned Faye on a deeper level, a girl she did her best to look after, even when times grew difficult. Sometimes she realized, with a start, that Edward was really her only anchor let to home.

Whatever home meant.

Sighing through her teeth, she put on a faint smile, arm reaching out to ruffle Edward's hair where it peeked out from under the hat. Maybe it was time to tell Edward, before the secret was kept too long.

"Sounds good to me," she nodded. "Maybe we can talk a bit as we go."

Perhaps it was a product of her nerves. Perhaps it was morbid curiosity, pure and simple. But Faye had spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out how people were likely to react to her news once it became too late to hide her changing body any longer. She had already managed to section off a fair amount of people she thought would be glad to hear the news, as well as people who would probably consider it dubious at best. (As much as she hated herself for the thought, it even crossed her mind that Spike's first reaction might have even been to laugh. Well. Once upon a time, anyway.)

Lily wasn't someone Faye had managed to peg just yet, and maybe that, in its own way, made Faye more inclined to test and see.

"I don't think I'm supposed to drink coffee for a while," she groaned, wrinkling her nose at the smell.

One of the things that a girl learns to do first when hunting bounties is to grow accustomed to the general state of squalor lived in by other hunters. A precious few were skilled enough to earn a comfortable living, but the majority of hunters lived on the energy of the chase, rarely stopping to bathe, to shower, let alone do laundry. The thought isn't exactly a fair one, but it's among the first that cross Faye's mind when Finnick sits himself down next to her. Everything smells strongly to her these days, and Finnick is no exception, and she blinks her surprise while thanking her lucky stars that nausea doesn't seem to tail directly after him.

If anything, mention of the ocean is worse, turning and twisting her stomach.

"No thank you," she groans, face blanching as she turns to rest her forehead against the palm of her hand. On some level, Faye knows that she has to eat— and hilariously enough, her stomach reminds her of that, too— but peanuts don't seem to be the right offering. "It'll be the same thing as the last time this happened. End of the month, we'll go back to normal. Enjoy the lack of water while you can."

I catch his look, and that's when I know that Dean's told someone. I guess a part of me is glad that he can, because hell, he deserves to have someone he can talk to about this, considering the fact that I just can't deal half of the time. But that doesn't make it any easier to have someone's eyes over me and knowing when all I'm trying to do is... run, I guess.

That's what I do, after all. Ever since Sleeping Beauty woke up, all she's done is run.

But there's no running from this place, and probably no running from my body. God only knows my chest aches enough. So I lean further into the table, eyes narrowing slightly, although I don't have it in me to be angry. Not really.

"That's not usually where people look when I tell them 'eyes up here,'" I remark lightly, arching a brow.

"Okie-dokie." Ed skipped a little, kicking up dust with her bare feet as she walked. It wasn't too blisteringly hot yet so it still felt pretty good to be bare-foot outside. When it got too hot, she had to go inside or put on icky socks to get anywhere.

But this was nice.

"What does Faye-Faye want to talk about."

"Impossible," Finnick replies, though he doesn't expect Faye to really understand the absolute sincerity in it. Almost all of Finnick's life has been spent on the ocean; to suddenly not even have it as an option is nothing short of terrifying.

It's helped settle Annie a little though, and for that he's grateful.

"I'd just take a nice, hard rain at this point," he says, cracking open another shell, brow furrowing as he looks at her carefully. "What's wrong?"

"Why not?" Lily asked, glancing in Faye's direction, her eyebrows lifted. She rolled the coffee cup back and forth between her hands for a moment before she set it aside, pushing it back from where they were standing. The way Faye said it and the expression on her face made Lily think there was probably more of a story to that. She had some ideas what it might mean; it was something she'd heard once or twice before, from dancers who'd been willing to give up ballet to start a family.

But that wasn't the sort of thing she wanted to assume. Especially with Faye, since she had never given Lily any indication that she and Dean were planning on having a child. Of course, she knew things like that weren't always planned.

"Sorry, I'm not really a tits kinda guy," I admit, rolling my eyes, though I've got brains enough to at least seem halfway contrite.

After that, I don't know what the fuck to say to her. Everything I can think of, I know won't be met well. It's not like we're really close friends, anyway.

So, maybe poking fun at the awkwardness of the whole fucking thing, I say, "Nice fuckin' weather we're havin', huh?"

How Faye was supposed to explain this, she had no idea. She licked her lips, pressing her fingers there, as though she might be able to wait out the perfect phrasing, something that would help Edward understand in the least amount of time possible without seeming like all Faye wanted to do was brush the matter aside. (Even if, on some level, that was true.)

Not for the first time, she thought about how it was really about time that she cut her hair.

"Edward likes... kids, right?" Faye decided, eyes narrowing slightly as she glanced down at Edward. "You like meeting new kids? Playing with them?"

Strangely enough, that one word is enough for Faye to understand how Finnick feels. On an almost daily basis, Faye finds herself missing space as much as she supposes that Finnick misses the water. Granted, space was only part of Faye's life for a couple of years, but for most of that time, a couple of years was all that Faye had. All that Faye remembered. And even before then, Faye's memories are always speckled with daydreams of making it out there into the dark velvet of the sky, to where the stars twinkle even from impossible distances.

And she can't have any of that anymore.

"I hear that when it rains here, it's practically a flood," Faye mutters, voice soft, brow furrowed. "And I'm just feeling under the weather, okay? Nothing's wrong."

Both Finnick's eyebrows raise high at the suddenly defensive tone and he finishes chewing before letting out a soft laugh.

"I see I touched a nerve," he says, cracking open another nut with two fingers before sucking the salt off his thumb, eyes still locked on Faye. Once clean, he reaches over to tug at the sleeve of the shirt she's wearing, so different her typical skin tight garb. "You look like you're wearing a tent."

"Because ruining your own health is one thing," Faye said, trying for lighthearted and not quite making it there. She knew that the problem would present itself visibly soon enough. She knew that sooner or later, there would be no way to deny, period, the changes that were taking place in her body. And somehow, the idea of letting Lily find out only when Faye's body gave up the fight felt wrong, somehow. While Faye hadn't been much of a friend since waking up in that chamber, she knew that her life on the island was shaping up to be different.

And maybe she could allow that touch of her former self to surface more often.

"But ruining two in one fell swoop feels like a bit much, doesn't it?"

"Miserable. But not unlike how things were on Venus," I answer, because that much is true enough. I remember the way Westerns used to be when I was a kid, the scenery, the dialogue, all of it. Some of it's remained in present day back home, things like the wide-brimmed hats and, sometimes, for the die-hard, the boots. (I've got a mean pair of white boots myself, and of them I've always been quite fond.) But these days, it isn't usually the swirling dust that becomes the feature of the scene, but instead the endless spread of stars speckling the sky.

I'd say that's one of the few things that's improved. That aesthetic.

But Venus is much like this. Hot as sin, and the only people who like living there are the people who have enough to pay for air-conditioning. What I wouldn't do for some of that right now.

"So, out with it," I say. "Whatever questions or pearls of wisdom you're here with."

"Holy shit," Lily said, breaking into a grin. For a moment she hadn't been entirely sure what Faye was trying to tell her, but that certainly confirmed it. She glanced toward Faye's stomach, as if she'd be able to tell already, then looked back up again, meeting her friend's gaze. The clothes were certainly different, that was obvious, but she couldn't tell if she was trying to hide anything just yet.

"You and Dean are having a baby," she said simply, still grinning. "That's so exciting." It wasn't something Lily herself ever imagined doing, mostly because she knew it could mean real changes to her body that might prevent her from dancing, but she still liked kids. Especially when they belonged to her friends.

"It's Dean's shirt," she mutters, because it's easier to admit to that, to something which could arguably be interpreted as romantic rather than admit to the fact that she's running from the problem and from acknowledging it at all. Shrugging her shoulder until the fabric pulls from his fingers, Faye does her best to train her expression into something softer. Finnick hasn't done anything wrong, it must be strange for him to see her in such an aggravated state. If only she could calm herself down.

But her stomach turns again, and Faye frowns, leaning forward to rest her forehead in her palm, skin feeling slightly clammy to the touch. "Just not feeling great, okay? Hard to rock my usual when that's the case."

I can't hear heartbeats, but there are other ways I've grown to recognize friends from a distance. The unique way they walk, a whiff of a perfume. Guided by the tap-tap-tap of my cane, I turn a corner, following a familiar set of footsteps.

"Faye?"

"You're not going to vomit on me, are you?" Finnick says, pulling back a little with a wrinkle of his nose. He's kidding for the most part, a smile still tugging at the corner of his lips. Because, despite the overbearing heat, he's actually in a fairly good mood. "Because I can tell you, I have had quite enough of that recently."

Though, to be fair, Annie's never actually vomited on him. And he doesn't really mind it, only wishes he could do something to make her feel even a little bit better. Instead, he just always feel completely useless and more and more guilty.

"What the fuck makes you think I got any fuckin' pearls of wisdom?" I ask with a snort of laughter, rolling my eyes. I've got nothing to say to her that she wants to hear, I'm sure. I've wanted Dean to be able to have a family for as long as I've known him. I'm happy for him. I can't not be.

"And I've never been to Venus. Wouldn't know."

"I guess. Kids are fun when they play with Edward." Pausing, she dropped her voice a little, almost to a whisper. "But the fingernail girl always made Edward nervous a little."

It wasn't something she thought about much. The other kids at the Sister's place were just there. They all ate and everyone had the things they played with in the junkyard. Sometimes they played with them together, sometimes they didn't. It's just how it was. "Edward doesn't really know the kids here." She didn't need to. She didn't live with them and she didn't eat with them and the adults were just more like her. Smarter.

"Exciting is... one way to put it," Faye said, expression unconvinced, spotting Lily's glance and fighting the temptation to cover herself up from view. Sighing, she shook her head, licking her lips. "It wasn't planned. I didn't even think that I could— with my history, I thought for sure that I would be unable to conceive, so using condoms was just a safety measure for everything else. We didn't always. But apparently fifty years, and that part of my body still pulls out unscathed."

Taking a deep breath to steady herself, Faye tilted her head, rubbing uncomfortably at the back of her neck. "Dean's really excited," she admitted. "He burst with out with a marriage proposal minutes after I told him, but I refused. A baby's not really reason enough to get married in this day and age."

I hear Matt approach before I hear his voice, and that steady tapping against the ground actually sets me at ease. If there's anyone I know who I think probably won't judge beyond reason, it's Matt. (Not that I have much of a reason to expect everyone else to judge, but you never know. I guess I just expect Matt to be able to react calmly to everything. Not for the first time, I wish I knew more about him.)

"That'd be me," I reply airily, hoping I don't stink overly much. I've been staying out of the sun, but the porcelain god's seen me once or twice today.

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