attitude | take care of yourself

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take care of yourself

Every time that Faye thought she'd finally learned to accept her pregnancy in full, something came about to prove her wrong. In some ways, it felt like taking regular steps towards some blurred and as of yet uncertain destination. Telling Dean had been the first big step, one that left her feeling exposed and shaky at best, to learn that someone else was much more prepared for the changes to come than she was herself. Recognizing each symptom thereafter had been an almost painful process, one which drew out a sense of lingering paranoia. Were her aches caused by the pregnancy? Was she losing sleep because of anxiety? Was she, could she, had she— an endless myriad that never seemed to solve for itself, because some answers simply couldn't be had no matter how great the effort to root them out.

And that morning, she'd come across yet another problem: the clothes that she'd picked out for herself at the beginning of the month, skin-tight and every bit as capable of exuding confidence as the bright yellow she used to wear, were somehow too small around the waist.

Naturally, Faye knew that the changes had taken place since day one. But in some way, the baby was still a distant notion at the start. Fatigue, she could blame on the mental stress. Nausea, she could blame on poor eating habits. But a thickening of her waist felt somehow undeniable, because Faye Valentine was not one to let herself go to any extent, and her size had remained constant since she woke up in that chamber those few years ago.

Something else was changing, and still Faye felt like she was digging her heel stubbornly against all of it.

For the time being, her solution was to snag a shirt out of the several that Dean sometimes left at her place, before slipping on the loosest pair of jeans she had. Maybe she didn't look like much, but at least it masked the constant thrum of her chest as she took a deep breath, setting out for the common dining room, even if she had the lingering suspicion that her nausea would make it hard to keep anything down.

[ Dated April 20th, this is the post for anyone who knows Faye and wants to hear about baby stuff first-hand from her! ST/LT welcome, no limit, go wild. (Sorry for being slow enough to require backdating.) ]

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"Because ruining your own health is one thing," Faye said, trying for lighthearted and not quite making it there. She knew that the problem would present itself visibly soon enough. She knew that sooner or later, there would be no way to deny, period, the changes that were taking place in her body. And somehow, the idea of letting Lily find out only when Faye's body gave up the fight felt wrong, somehow. While Faye hadn't been much of a friend since waking up in that chamber, she knew that her life on the island was shaping up to be different.

And maybe she could allow that touch of her former self to surface more often.

"But ruining two in one fell swoop feels like a bit much, doesn't it?"

"Holy shit," Lily said, breaking into a grin. For a moment she hadn't been entirely sure what Faye was trying to tell her, but that certainly confirmed it. She glanced toward Faye's stomach, as if she'd be able to tell already, then looked back up again, meeting her friend's gaze. The clothes were certainly different, that was obvious, but she couldn't tell if she was trying to hide anything just yet.

"You and Dean are having a baby," she said simply, still grinning. "That's so exciting." It wasn't something Lily herself ever imagined doing, mostly because she knew it could mean real changes to her body that might prevent her from dancing, but she still liked kids. Especially when they belonged to her friends.

"Exciting is... one way to put it," Faye said, expression unconvinced, spotting Lily's glance and fighting the temptation to cover herself up from view. Sighing, she shook her head, licking her lips. "It wasn't planned. I didn't even think that I could— with my history, I thought for sure that I would be unable to conceive, so using condoms was just a safety measure for everything else. We didn't always. But apparently fifty years, and that part of my body still pulls out unscathed."

Taking a deep breath to steady herself, Faye tilted her head, rubbing uncomfortably at the back of her neck. "Dean's really excited," she admitted. "He burst with out with a marriage proposal minutes after I told him, but I refused. A baby's not really reason enough to get married in this day and age."

Lily laughed, then covered her mouth, looking at Faye apologetically. For the first time in weeks, she felt like herself, she felt like she could be happy for someone else, that there were still people here whose well being she cared about and while that in itself was unusual, apparently it had gotten difficult to become detached from them again. She didn't want to be detached.

"No, you're right, it's not a good enough reason," she agreed. "But he's happy, that's all. I mean, I don't know him at all, but that seems like a good reaction. Preferable to him getting angry with you or telling you that you're on your own with this, right?" While she was sure Faye was capable of doing something like this on her own, it was better that Dean wanted to be around. Better still that he was excited about it. There was something definitely sweet about that and Lily grinned, then nodded at the chairs. "Come on, sit down. Tell me more about it."

"If he was that kind of guy, I would have dumped him long ago," Faye frowned, nose wrinkling at the thought. Not a girl who saw herself as needing or necessarily even wanting a guy on her arm to begin with— not since she woke up those couple of years before, mind blissfully free of memories— Faye knew that she wouldn't have tolerated a guy who planned on ducking out on her at the first sign of trouble.

Not just because that was the mark of a coward, but also because Faye knew that if someone else ran, she'd run herself in the opposite direction.

Sighing, Faye allowed some of the stress and frustration to bleed free as she walked to the nearest table, sliding to a seat and threading her fingers automatically through her hair. "I don't know what there is really to say," she remarked, brow knit. "We... didn't use protection? I'm pretty sure it was the Mardi Gras party. Being an idiot, I wore a dress I knew he wouldn't be able to turn down. We didn't make it back to the hut; he took me up into this, like, hayloft."

Sliding into the chair across from Faye, Lily leaned her elbows on the table, watching her friend closely. She was frustrated, probably freaked out, that much was obvious and Lily knew she couldn't blame her for that. If the same thing happened to her, she'd probably be angry at herself for letting it happen, worried about the outcome, about what it might mean for herself and for whoever she was involved with.

Although Lily had been safe on the island, she knew accidents could happen and given her involvement with several people, she might not even know who the father was.

"And you're not excited?" she asked, which she could understand as well. It couldn't be easy, especially not here, where she knew people disappeared all the time and without any warning.

Faye glanced over her shoulder, checking for anyone around who might have taken it upon themselves to let Dean know. Seeing no one, Faye sighed deeply and shook her head, rubbing the back of her neck before straightening, pulling her shoulders back and trying to manage some amount of dignity. Just because she was pregnant didn't mean that she had to let herself entirely go.

"Not really," she admitted, wincing at the words. "And I know that sounds awful, but I... didn't plan for this. I never would have planned for this. I mean, come on, Lily, you know me— is there really any part of me that screams maternal? I'm supposed to be flying through the sky and living day to day, not saddled with a kid I wouldn't even know how to care for."

Lily laughs, not because it's really that funny, but it's true, certainly. "It doesn't sound awful," she says. Anyone is bound to have doubts, especially someone who hadn't been planning on having a family, she expects being at least a little bit afraid is entirely normal. "I mean, if it was me, I'd probably be the furthest thing from excited."

She shrugs, looking around as well, just to be sure. "You're just being honest, right?" she asks. "Have you talked to Dean about this?" She suspects that it hasn't been brought up. If it had been, she wouldn't be looking around to make sure that no one was here listening to them.

There's a slight smile that passes over Faye's lips at Lily's reassurance. Some amount of comfort that comes from knowing that a friend she sees as confident, as capable, would be as uneasy if switched with Faye's shoes. A small sigh slips through her teeth— if only she'd been more careful.

"Dean knows," she confirms. "I took a week to tell him to make sure I wouldn't panic right in front of his eyes, but when he asked me to marry him, that was when I broke down. And told him that I was afraid, basically. I think he's been very careful around me since then."

"At least he knows," Lily says. "That's important. I mean, you can't do something like this without being open about the shit that's scaring you, right?" And she's willing to bet Dean is at least a little bit afraid, too. He may be excited and she thinks that's wonderful, but he probably has his own fears. She imagines that everyone must when faced with something as new and daunting as becoming a parent.

"What do you think would help?" she asks. "I had a friend in California who got pregnant halfway through one of our seasons. She had to leave the company and she was terrified, but she started reading everything she could. It seemed to help her a lot."

"No, I know. There's a reason why I told him, after all," murmurs Faye, distinctly remembering how her thoughts had immediately leaped to Dean after she'd first found out about her pregnancy. Maybe other women would have thought of the baby, but since the very beginning, the person who matters most to Faye in the situation has been Dean. Continues to be Dean. "But I don't want him to be the one to take the brunt of my own fears, you know? He has enough on his mind. And he's... he lost his brother recently, so I'm sure going on about my own fears won't help. They're the same as his. It's..."

She sighs, thinking about what it'd be like to start reading more about the changes in her body, and coming to that gut conclusion that it won't alter a thing. "I don't think I'll make a great mother, sure. But more than that, I just think about what happens when either of us leaves. If it was just me, I'd roll right on ahead. It'd work out. If it was just Dean, he'd probably pick himself up. But throw a kid into the mix, suddenly there are countless ways this can screw up."

"Yeah, there are," Lily agreed, because Faye certainly wasn't wrong about that. There was countless ways this could end badly, but the same could really be said about having a baby in any other situation as well. The island had the added bonus of taking people away and as much as Lily hated it for that, it wasn't all that different from how things had been back home.

People left. They died, they ran away, they made themselves scarce by accident or on purpose. It wasn't exactly the same, but she didn't see that many differences either.

"I think it'll work out," she said, giving Faye a smile. "It might not be perfect, but most things have a way of working out in time. Which is probably the most vague reassurance ever, but..." She trailed off and shrugged.

"You're a lot more optimistic than I am," Faye remarked quietly, raising a brow. And in many ways, that had always been true, for as long as Faye had known Lily. There was something about her that couldn't be broken, an ability to push on forward when all the odds were stacked across her; to say that Faye admired that quality would have been an immense understatement.

She feared it as well, of course. Because she'd been that way once, expecting the best of people and anticipating getting to travel out into the world in full. Nothing had worked out in the way that Faye wanted.

"Does this mean I can recruit you for babysitting when the time comes?" she smiled faintly, cheeks still a little pale, but tone sounding more sure. Wallowing wasn't going to help anything, after all.

"I'm great with kids," Lily said by way of an answer, grinning over at Faye. "Which is to say, yes, if you need a break, if you need a hand, if you need anything, you can ask me." It was easy enough to offer, she knew, because she wasn't in the same situation. If she had been, she wouldn't be nearly as optimistic or quite so free with offers of her time, mostly because she'd be petrified herself.

"And, just for the record, I'm willing to bet you'll be better at it than you think," she said. Most people were, as it turned out, even if they didn't know what they were doing. Being a parent was the sort of thing a person had to learn on the go. There was no preparing for it, no classes to take that could ever really make someone ready for what happened when they had a baby. "I don't know if you'll be any less freaked out, but I really do think you'll be a good mother."

"You may be required to fight Dean for the right to lend a hand," Faye pointed out, although the smile she wore was appreciative, if a bit weary. She knew that Lily meant well. Trusted that Lily did want to offer whatever amount of help that she could. But it was hard for Faye to accept, in that being helped sometimes made her feel a little less strong. Like she needed that support, else she couldn't stand on her own two feet. And that was a feeling that Faye hated almost more than any other. "He's intent on making sure that all of my needs are met, all the time. And no, I don't just mean that way."

She paused before moving on to the more sobering topics, knowing that there was simply no setting her completely at ease. It couldn't happen, and certainly not before the baby was born.

"There's really nothing I've done that shows I'd be a good mother at all," Faye muttered. "Not that I'm going to go out of my way to make the kid's life difficult, but I'm not the most patient woman around."

"I'm stronger than I look," Lily reminded her with a grin, then drummed her fingers on the tabletop thoughtfully, listening as Faye spoke. It was probably the same type of fear she'd have herself, that she wouldn't be able to find the patient side of her, that she'd have a difficult time knowing how to interact with a child after so long spent interacting with adults.

But Lily was also sure Faye was going to be just fine.

"And there's probably going to be plenty of times when you think the baby is going to drive you nuts," she said. "You don't have to be perfect in order to be a parent. You don't even have to be perfect to be a good parent, but you're a good person, Faye."

The statement struck her as funny, honestly. It had been a very long time indeed since Faye was in a position of being called a good person by just about anyone. Perhaps she was decent enough to her crew, but she'd also been lazy, selfish, prone to putting her needs before anyone else's. If only because that was the way to survive. If someone kept on putting others first, they were for long in the bounty world.

Faye wasn't sure whether or not she liked the change, holistically. But she didn't begrudge it.

"You've only seen my better side, lucky you," she said with a quirk of a grin. "Had you met me out in the skies, I'm not sure you'd be singing that same tune."

"Maybe not. But your baby isn't going to meet you out in the skies either," Lily pointed out, returning the grin. "Look, I'm not saying that you shouldn't be scared or that I don't understand why you are. You should be and I do get it. I'm just saying that there are other people here who think you'll probably do a pretty okay job when it comes down to it." Further to that, she was sure she wasn't the only person who thought as much.

Leaning back in her chair, she looked at Faye with a pointed smile and arched her brow. "I remember a certain person doing her best to keep me safe when she thought there might be a chance that I would be infected," she said. "All you wanted was to make sure I was safe. That might just seem like common sense to you, but a shitty person wouldn't do that. They wouldn't care."

For all of Faye's protests, she wasn't a fool— there got to be a certain point where protests only went around in circles, and this felt like one of them. Sighing softly, she shook her head, not exactly sure how she'd earned the loyalty of so many people. Had she really changed all that much? Was it the way the island anchored her that made her give in to the idea of making friends and solid connections? Without the option to leave, Faye supposed she would never know.

"This is where I'm supposed to smile and stop arguing, isn't it?" she joked lightly, managing a thin smile. No, her worries weren't so easily assuaged, but it wasn't nothing to have someone believe in her as wholly as Lily seemed to. How strange, Faye thought. Most people probably would have considered it much harder to be a bounty hunter, but to Faye, she couldn't help thinking that catching a hundred bounty heads would have been easier than the pregnancy alone.

"I'm very persistent," Lily said simply, smiling in return and although she wouldn't sit here all day and insist to Faye that she could probably do this, she wasn't going to give up that easily either. She knew better than to try and convince her that there was nothing to worry about -- worries were natural, she figured, and she knew she'd have more than a few of her own were she in the same situation.

"This is usually where I'd offer to take you out for a drink, but I guess I'll have to give that a break for a little while," she added with a grin. "We'll have to find another way to distract you for the next year or so, won't we?"

"Ugh," Faye groaned, loudly, petulantly— but in its way, it was better than the quiet resignation she'd been prone to lately. Even griping about her troubles was better than constantly swirling around with anxiety. "Can't drink, can't eat the foods I want, can't fit into the clothes I like, can't gamble without money. Seems like the only thing I've got anymore is sex, and as much as I like you, Lily." She glanced over, shaking her head. "I'm not sure it'd quite compare."

Rubbing her cheek, Faye sighed lightly between her lips, but there was a hint of a smile there that hadn't been present before.

"I guess there's always a good game of poker. And swimming, I hear that I'm still allowed to swim."

"Well, it wouldn't be the same, that's for sure," Lily agreed with a grin, although she didn't say anything more on the subject. "But, hey, I know how to play poker. I'm sure we could find a few more people who know how, too, maybe that'll take your mind off all this."

There had been a casino night, after all, she was sure that meant at least a few people knew how to play poker. Maybe there wasn't much of anything they could play for besides chips, but it would be a distraction and that was really the only thing she was looking to find for Faye at the moment. "We could bet favours and I'm sure you'd be full up on people willing to carry you around the island when you get bigger," she added with a teasing grin.

Faye snorted, imagining the difficulty in pulling together a group that genuinely wanted to play with her. While she'd been pleasant enough on the island, Faye was as Faye was, and she hadn't really gone out of her way to make friends with the majority of the people on the island, many of them far too pleasant for her taste. Faye only felt at home while caught in some type of struggle, it seemed. If nothing else, a battle of the wits.

Still, it was a nice thought.

"Maybe," she conceded. "Maybe that'd be nice. Provided people don't mind deliberately losing to yours truly. Or taking a several month raincheck for any favors I owe."

"Well, I was mostly banking on you beating everyone," Lily answered, her shoulder hitching up as she smiled, on the edge of teasing. "Except for me, every now and then, that is." She wasn't that great of a poker player herself -- she had a terrible poker face, always had -- but she thought it was the sort of game Faye might be good at. Where Lily had trouble putting a cap on most of her emotional responses, she always thought of Faye as much better at handling herself.

"I always end up giving it away when I have a good hand," she admitted with a sigh. "I always get excited and somehow it shows in my face no matter what I do." Being expressive was part of being a dancer, but it didn't help when it came to gambling.

"I've practiced my poker face," Faye replied, the tiniest hint of pride creeping into her voice. It wasn't the type of thing she'd ever pictured herself supporting herself with as a child, but waking up as a blank slate, with hardly anything other than vague impulses to direct one's actions, meant finding pride and confidence and stability through whatever faint means were available. If gambling so happened to be one of them, then that was just the way of life. "Most of my meals were paid for either by catching crooks or counting cards."

She grinned, nudging her foot forward to reveal a thin anklet, round and polished. "Either that, or terrific luck," she added.

If anyone would appreciate her sly ways of sneaking a few dozen woolong from unsuspecting passerby, Faye figured that Lily would be it.

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take care of yourself

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