although he would not tell you why initially

[attitude]

Lately, I've been measuring life in weeks, dictated by the volumes that I pull off of the bookshelf, slowly feeling myself fall into greater unease as they pass and my footfalls grow heavier. Sometimes, it feels as though all I ever do is wander towards the rec room, impressed by the fact that I only have so many weeks to try and learn what it means to be a caretaker, a guardian, a parent. A few weeks ago, I finally came to accept that as my greatest priority, one that I didn't want to think of with any amount of fear or trepidation. Parenting's hard enough without living in fear of it.

Mostly, I've managed. I know what I should be eating, I know how much to sleep, I know what changes to expect from my body for the next month, almost down to the day. Before I lost everything, studying was never a problem, and I guess some things never change.

It's the rest that I feel passing me in a blur. Hiding while the island forgot itself. Warily watching as people find themselves seized by fear at various points in the day. I haven't decided how to tackle any of that just yet. I find myself avoiding the very thought of it, running away as I always do, spending a couple hours swimming every day instead, enjoying the way the water buoys me up, almost lets me forget.

My feet sink awkwardly into the sand, balance still imperfect as I head to shore after my swim today, hair dripping all over the place and a towel hastily wrapped around my middle.

It's just another day, I tell myself.

Comments

[manwithoutfear]

The beach is a high traffic area. I'm not surprised to hear someone not too far up ahead, though between the wind and the surf, their identity eludes me for now. There's too much conflicting information, the smell of salt heavy in the air, each wave crashing wiping the soundscape clean. Not knowing whether I'm about to come across a friend or stranger, I lift a hand -- a gesture intended entirely for my company, since it means nothing to me -- and call out, "Nice day."

It's almost always a nice day, of course. But a neutral starting point seems best, given the circumstances.