"But you know you want them," I interject. I don't think I'm being too unkind, but I can hear that there's tension in my voice. Maybe that's the nerves, too. I don't know. Everything's kind of a blur right now, as far as emotions go. "You know that you want them, and you had the choice to take them in. Doesn't matter what was fueling that choice, you still had it at some point. Could have handed them off to someone else."

Leaning back in my chair, I level Neil with a sobered look.

"I'll be honest, Neil, since I... get the feeling you can handle that," I say. I don't know why. Call it a hunch. "I don't know if I have it in me to love a kid. I'll try. But it kind of feels like I'm spending all my effort already on being afraid that someone's going to leave. Or resigning myself to it. Almost everyone I've known, long before I got here, almost everyone left. I don't think a baby's going to be miracle worker there."