attitude | take care of yourself

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take care of yourself

Every time that Faye thought she'd finally learned to accept her pregnancy in full, something came about to prove her wrong. In some ways, it felt like taking regular steps towards some blurred and as of yet uncertain destination. Telling Dean had been the first big step, one that left her feeling exposed and shaky at best, to learn that someone else was much more prepared for the changes to come than she was herself. Recognizing each symptom thereafter had been an almost painful process, one which drew out a sense of lingering paranoia. Were her aches caused by the pregnancy? Was she losing sleep because of anxiety? Was she, could she, had she— an endless myriad that never seemed to solve for itself, because some answers simply couldn't be had no matter how great the effort to root them out.

And that morning, she'd come across yet another problem: the clothes that she'd picked out for herself at the beginning of the month, skin-tight and every bit as capable of exuding confidence as the bright yellow she used to wear, were somehow too small around the waist.

Naturally, Faye knew that the changes had taken place since day one. But in some way, the baby was still a distant notion at the start. Fatigue, she could blame on the mental stress. Nausea, she could blame on poor eating habits. But a thickening of her waist felt somehow undeniable, because Faye Valentine was not one to let herself go to any extent, and her size had remained constant since she woke up in that chamber those few years ago.

Something else was changing, and still Faye felt like she was digging her heel stubbornly against all of it.

For the time being, her solution was to snag a shirt out of the several that Dean sometimes left at her place, before slipping on the loosest pair of jeans she had. Maybe she didn't look like much, but at least it masked the constant thrum of her chest as she took a deep breath, setting out for the common dining room, even if she had the lingering suspicion that her nausea would make it hard to keep anything down.

[ Dated April 20th, this is the post for anyone who knows Faye and wants to hear about baby stuff first-hand from her! ST/LT welcome, no limit, go wild. (Sorry for being slow enough to require backdating.) ]

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Rumbling out a laugh, I said, "I thought you didn't want any advice. I can't read your fuckin' mind."

I flash her a grin, but then I fall quiet, tracing my finger along the tabletop in front of me.

"I dunno. I mean, it's scary as shit, but neither of you are alone, you know? You need help with like, anything, you ask or... I dunno, I'll probably be gettin' in your fuckin' way when you don't ask. I mean, it's not much advice or whatever, but that's basically all that got me through. Havin' Dean and Kara and Charlie or whoever. And you and Dean've got that, you know? People who give a damn."

"I'm stronger than I look," Lily reminded her with a grin, then drummed her fingers on the tabletop thoughtfully, listening as Faye spoke. It was probably the same type of fear she'd have herself, that she wouldn't be able to find the patient side of her, that she'd have a difficult time knowing how to interact with a child after so long spent interacting with adults.

But Lily was also sure Faye was going to be just fine.

"And there's probably going to be plenty of times when you think the baby is going to drive you nuts," she said. "You don't have to be perfect in order to be a parent. You don't even have to be perfect to be a good parent, but you're a good person, Faye."

"You think you're the only one panicking? I'm pretty sure every prospective parent panics at some point or another. Dean tries to hide it from me, but sometimes I get the sense that it's a lot for him. There's a difference between raising a baby sister and raising your own kid," Faye points out, rubbing at her arm, even though she doesn't feel particularly cold— quite the contrary, even. "Gets worse when you think about how often his family and friends have left this place. I'm not the first person he's wanted to settle down with, and that's not because he broke up with the previous girl."

Crossing her arms loosely over her chest, Faye shakes her head, and if there's ever been a calm moment for her during any of this, it might be now.

Trying to set an example, maybe, she thinks.

"But you hit the ground running."

"I was being difficult," I tell him, arching a brow. "You'd better be prepared to learn how to spot that." It's not really a threat, but... well. If Neil plans on continuing to hang around Dean in the way that he has, it might be for the best if he learns the kind of person I am. And the first part of that is realizing that I, like everyone else in the human population, but perhaps on a greater basis, lie. I lie. I stretch the truth. Flip it on its side.

However it best suits me.

But I listen respectfully enough once he starts giving me what I asked for. It's a bunch of mushy stuff, really, nothing that I'd normally take to heart. Sometimes, though, I feel like I should try. I don't know what much I can say, but since I'm trying, I say to Neil, "People who give enough of a damn to help with diaper duty?"

God, diapers. That's going to take some thinking about. Later.

"I'm just trying to figure out whether congratulations or condolences are in order," I reply, holding my free hand in front of me in a gesture of peace only one of us can see.

"Forgive me for saying it, but I never pegged you for the family type. If you're happy, I'm happy for you, if you're not... Well, I'm acquainted with a few dangerous men who can pay the father a visit."

Looking down at her legs, Edward frowned. Her legs were the right shape, weren't they? They weren't bumpy in any of the wrong places.

Edward just didn't understand some things.

A lot of things, really.

"Edward doesn't like shoes."

The statement struck her as funny, honestly. It had been a very long time indeed since Faye was in a position of being called a good person by just about anyone. Perhaps she was decent enough to her crew, but she'd also been lazy, selfish, prone to putting her needs before anyone else's. If only because that was the way to survive. If someone kept on putting others first, they were for long in the bounty world.

Faye wasn't sure whether or not she liked the change, holistically. But she didn't begrudge it.

"You've only seen my better side, lucky you," she said with a quirk of a grin. "Had you met me out in the skies, I'm not sure you'd be singing that same tune."

"Maybe not. But your baby isn't going to meet you out in the skies either," Lily pointed out, returning the grin. "Look, I'm not saying that you shouldn't be scared or that I don't understand why you are. You should be and I do get it. I'm just saying that there are other people here who think you'll probably do a pretty okay job when it comes down to it." Further to that, she was sure she wasn't the only person who thought as much.

Leaning back in her chair, she looked at Faye with a pointed smile and arched her brow. "I remember a certain person doing her best to keep me safe when she thought there might be a chance that I would be infected," she said. "All you wanted was to make sure I was safe. That might just seem like common sense to you, but a shitty person wouldn't do that. They wouldn't care."

I relax a little when he raises his hand, backtracking a bit. I feel like I've been just about ready to jump down everyone's throats, but truth be told, right now it's just a reflection of my own insecurity. I don't know what I want, but it's a lot easier to follow the gut sense surrounding what I don't. I don't want pity, I don't really want congratulations either. I wish there was something in between, like sage wisdom or advice that I could take in by osmosis.

"Maybe what's in order is a 'good luck,'" I say, continuing on the way to the cafeteria. "I'm not ready to have a family of my own, but I don't plan on leaving the father, and I don't want any visits paid. I just have to learn in a few months how to turn the table. As much as I can."

"Hey, you'd be surprised," I say with a rough cough of laughter, knowing she's probably dismissing half of what I'm saying, but that's okay. It's bullshit, anyway. There's nothing to say, nothing to do, other than bothering to stick around, when they need me to.

"I changed a few diapers, when the girls were tiny, and it's not like I had to. I mean, Eostre probably would've bitten my head off if I hadn't helped out, but whatever."

It's far from the first time Finnick's been made aware of the tendency for people to disappear here. He's seen it firsthand more than a few times already, after all. But something about Faye bringing it up here, in this context, makes his blood run cold. Because Annie is just as likely to disappear as anyone else. And even if this whole island is just a construct of his own broken mind, he knows it won't feel any less devastating to lose her. Her and their baby.

Swallowing tightly, his frown deepens briefly before he forces himself to hide it. It's not going to do him any good right now. "So... what about you?" he asks instead, watching her carefully. "Are you happy?"

For all of Faye's protests, she wasn't a fool— there got to be a certain point where protests only went around in circles, and this felt like one of them. Sighing softly, she shook her head, not exactly sure how she'd earned the loyalty of so many people. Had she really changed all that much? Was it the way the island anchored her that made her give in to the idea of making friends and solid connections? Without the option to leave, Faye supposed she would never know.

"This is where I'm supposed to smile and stop arguing, isn't it?" she joked lightly, managing a thin smile. No, her worries weren't so easily assuaged, but it wasn't nothing to have someone believe in her as wholly as Lily seemed to. How strange, Faye thought. Most people probably would have considered it much harder to be a bounty hunter, but to Faye, she couldn't help thinking that catching a hundred bounty heads would have been easier than the pregnancy alone.

I pause for a moment, and I find that the more Neil talks about Eostre, the more curious I am. Not that I need to know every detail of her life, but maybe I'm more inclined now to think about mothers and their parenting styles more seriously than I ever have before. Beyond that, though...

"Do they remind you of her?" I ask, eyes narrowed in thought. "Their personalities, I mean. Seems like she disappeared pretty early on."

"I'm very persistent," Lily said simply, smiling in return and although she wouldn't sit here all day and insist to Faye that she could probably do this, she wasn't going to give up that easily either. She knew better than to try and convince her that there was nothing to worry about -- worries were natural, she figured, and she knew she'd have more than a few of her own were she in the same situation.

"This is usually where I'd offer to take you out for a drink, but I guess I'll have to give that a break for a little while," she added with a grin. "We'll have to find another way to distract you for the next year or so, won't we?"

She can see the change in his countenance, although Faye isn't really sure what there is to do about it. Console him, perhaps, but all of the words feel empty as she runs them through her thoughts, unsure whether or not she has it in her to throw full weight behind them. Finnick moves on quickly enough, though, asking her that telltale question. Only because she's fond of the guy does Faye stop to actually give it some thought.

"Dean makes me happy," Faye confesses. "It might sound silly coming from yours truly, but he... really makes me feel like I can be young again, stupid again, and not have it bite me in the behind every time. Of course, this just goes to show that how you feel isn't an excuse for being anything but careful." She rested her hand briefly on her abdomen, even though there really wasn't much to be seen there.

"I think I might be happy," she concludes. "But it's not the kind of thing I like to think about. In my experience, the moment I decide I'm happy, something about it gets taken away."

"Yeah, I... There are things 'bout her in both of 'em. I mean, they were only one year old when she disappeared, but... Like, Flo? She's softer, nurturing like Eostre could be, but she was also stubborn and filled up a room, the way Mack does," I say, smiling distantly while I talk about her.

For a long time, I thought about Eostre as little as possible, 'cause anything else hurt too fuckin' much. Now, that sense of loss, of guilt, has faded into something manageable.

"Ugh," Faye groaned, loudly, petulantly— but in its way, it was better than the quiet resignation she'd been prone to lately. Even griping about her troubles was better than constantly swirling around with anxiety. "Can't drink, can't eat the foods I want, can't fit into the clothes I like, can't gamble without money. Seems like the only thing I've got anymore is sex, and as much as I like you, Lily." She glanced over, shaking her head. "I'm not sure it'd quite compare."

Rubbing her cheek, Faye sighed lightly between her lips, but there was a hint of a smile there that hadn't been present before.

"I guess there's always a good game of poker. And swimming, I hear that I'm still allowed to swim."

"I hear that you can be pretty stubborn at times. And you care enough about Dean to be talking to me, of all people," I point out, almost managing a grin, although it doesn't quite make it all the way. "That's exactly what I wanted to hear, though. I'm hoping the kid takes after Dean. Also hoping he's a boy. Girls might get the better clothes, but something tells me all of the trade-offs still don't come out quite even."

It's the helplessness, my mind adds. Too many odds stacked against us as a group. Too few choices.

"Well, it wouldn't be the same, that's for sure," Lily agreed with a grin, although she didn't say anything more on the subject. "But, hey, I know how to play poker. I'm sure we could find a few more people who know how, too, maybe that'll take your mind off all this."

There had been a casino night, after all, she was sure that meant at least a few people knew how to play poker. Maybe there wasn't much of anything they could play for besides chips, but it would be a distraction and that was really the only thing she was looking to find for Faye at the moment. "We could bet favours and I'm sure you'd be full up on people willing to carry you around the island when you get bigger," she added with a teasing grin.

Faye snorted, imagining the difficulty in pulling together a group that genuinely wanted to play with her. While she'd been pleasant enough on the island, Faye was as Faye was, and she hadn't really gone out of her way to make friends with the majority of the people on the island, many of them far too pleasant for her taste. Faye only felt at home while caught in some type of struggle, it seemed. If nothing else, a battle of the wits.

Still, it was a nice thought.

"Maybe," she conceded. "Maybe that'd be nice. Provided people don't mind deliberately losing to yours truly. Or taking a several month raincheck for any favors I owe."

"Well, I was mostly banking on you beating everyone," Lily answered, her shoulder hitching up as she smiled, on the edge of teasing. "Except for me, every now and then, that is." She wasn't that great of a poker player herself -- she had a terrible poker face, always had -- but she thought it was the sort of game Faye might be good at. Where Lily had trouble putting a cap on most of her emotional responses, she always thought of Faye as much better at handling herself.

"I always end up giving it away when I have a good hand," she admitted with a sigh. "I always get excited and somehow it shows in my face no matter what I do." Being expressive was part of being a dancer, but it didn't help when it came to gambling.

"I've practiced my poker face," Faye replied, the tiniest hint of pride creeping into her voice. It wasn't the type of thing she'd ever pictured herself supporting herself with as a child, but waking up as a blank slate, with hardly anything other than vague impulses to direct one's actions, meant finding pride and confidence and stability through whatever faint means were available. If gambling so happened to be one of them, then that was just the way of life. "Most of my meals were paid for either by catching crooks or counting cards."

She grinned, nudging her foot forward to reveal a thin anklet, round and polished. "Either that, or terrific luck," she added.

If anyone would appreciate her sly ways of sneaking a few dozen woolong from unsuspecting passerby, Faye figured that Lily would be it.

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